Genetically Enhanced Laboratory Rats Turn Tables on Scientists


PRINCETON, NJ—Princeton University research scientists Chad Tolman and Bradley Smythe are in the intensive care ward of Princeton Medical Center following an attack by genetically altered laboratory rats in the school’s research lab.

800-lb. rodents Skippy and Willard, which had been systematically fed bovine growth hormones to determine how it would affect their resistance to deadly biotoxins, reportedly burst out of their small cages early this morning. Sources say they just sat around the lab watching game shows as they awaited the return of the scientists.

Upon entering the lab, the scientists said they saw a message spelled out in food pellets which read: “Well, well, this a very interesting situation, is it not? Very interesting, indeed” as they heard the door lock click. They claim that’s all they remember before the injections.

Attending physicians say Tolman and Smythe may eventually regain use of their bladders and limbs, but their prognosis is uncertain and they are both under around-the-clock suicide watch.

Laboratory rats Skippy and Willard are still at large and are reported to be in negotiations with the WWE.

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