President Trump To Move Earth In Front Of Mercury


Recently Nasa, among other partners, have discovered a cluster of Earth-like planets that is orbiting a star that is 40 light years away. Citizens of Earth are extremely excited at the potential idea of a seven new homes, but some view this is an opportunity or even a competition. President Trump has announced that despite these new discoveries, he wants to put Earth first.

“I want to move Earth to the very front of our solar system. We are number one. We belong at the front. Winners belong close to the sun,” said Trump to a press conference that was being held in the White House. “Sorry, Mercury. Your days are over at the front. You’re small. You’re hogging the sun from Earth. Earth is the best. We will get more sun. Mercury can look at some Earth ass. Take a back seat to that Earth ass, Mercury,” continued Donald Trump.

Donald Trump will be hosting a 49,304 city rally across the nation to discuss his plan on how he will accomplish such a seemingly impossible feat. “I’ve been informed of a top secret plan. I can’t say it out loud in front of millions of people,” Trump said as he paused and scanned the crowd gathered at Fancy Farm, Kentucky. “But I will tweet it.” The crowd erupted into a tremendous roar as the local Amish community looked around puzzled.

President Trump went into a 244 tweet thread on how he would get Earth to the number one spot in the our solar system. “I watched this special government documentary about an elderly man. Sad. He tried to escape corporate America with his house. Probably tried to escape to China. Still sad. He attached balloons to it and floated away. I will use these methods. I will attach balloons to Earth and when the wind picks up in outer space. We will float to the front. Maybe knock Venus off course. Women are from there.”

Some of the public are against this plan and idea. “Number one, it’s impossible and number two, if Earth does move in front of Mercury, we will be engulfed in flames and parish into ashes. We will die, which doesn’t sound bad at this point, said local scientist, Trevor DeGaine.

President Trump also announced on Twitter at 3am the name of this plan. “It’s called Operation Line Cutsy.” Congress predicted that “Operation Line Cutsy” will cost America roughly $32 billion dollars. “Screw it, it’s just money. We can always make more,” croaked out Senator Mitch McConnell. The project should be finished by 2069 on a Thursday.

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