WASHINGTON D.C. – Faced with the possibility of losing their health insurance in the coming months, millions of Americans covered under Obamacare are cancelling their plans to get sick or hurt.
“I was planning to flip my truck this summer and break both my legs, but that’s on hold for now,” said Joe Brighton, a plumber from Pierre, South Dakota. “I was really looking forward to a long painful recovery and loss of income.”
Joe’s story has become all too common, with the ACA’s uncertain future affecting people all across the country. “I had to tell my son that he wouldn’t be getting a brain tumor this year. We’re all very disappointed,” said Carol Harrison, a homemaker from Clearwater, Florida. “He’ll probably end up with an ear infection or maybe even chicken pox, but good luck getting a trip to Disney World with that. The Make-a-Wish people have already cancelled our reservation.”
While some people are cancelling their plans for various illnesses and injuries, others are left worrying about how they will support the illnesses and injuries they already have. “I was diagnosed with MS eighteen months ago,” said Arthur Lesting, an accountant from Tempe, Arizona. “I’m looking into adoption for the little guy but I’m not having any luck. No one wants an MS diagnosis over six months old.”
However, not all Americans are dreading the loss of Obamacare. “Good riddance. Don’t get sick if you can’t afford it,” said Louis Stalks, an investment banker from Chicago. “Why should I have to pay for some joker to get diabetes? I’ve got a family and a mistress to support.”
At a press conference earlier today, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan expressed confidence that the new GOP healthcare bill “will ensure excellent and affordable coverage for all Americans.” When asked when the GOP planned to unveil the bill Ryan shouted “SQUIRREL!” and made his getaway when the press looked for a squirrel that was not, in fact, there.
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