Donald Trump’s Hair to Wed Mass of Seaweed from Caspian Sea

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LAS VEGAS—Donald Trump’s hair announced today it is engaged to a large mass of seaweed from the Caspian Sea.

The couple met via online dating site BulkyMisshapenObjectsMatch.com. They had been spotted together at various social functions around New York and rumors of romance have been in the air for some time.

The seaweed’s citizenship status has been called into question by Democrats on Capitol Hill, as it is technically a native of Kazakhstan, having been rooted in its territorial waters all its life. But a can of hairspray, speaking for Trump’s hair, dismissed the critics, saying, “Psssshh.”

The couple is planning a June wedding at the luxurious Sands resort in Las Vegas, followed by a one-month honeymoon in Cancun.

They also announced they plan to adopt a malformed baby alpaca from the Himalayas.

When questioned about what Trump himself had to say about all this, Trump’s hair replied, “Why would I care what my soft, bloated underbelly thinks about anything?”


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