HOUSTON, TX – This Sunday, football fanatic Justin Small will finally realize his lifelong dream of watching his team play in the Super Bowl at NRG Stadium. But his excitement is dampened by a sense of dread, as he can’t help but wonder if the crude, obnoxious behavior he’s proudly displayed during his team’s games will be good enough for the single greatest game in all of sports.
Small, 32, has been preparing for this day his whole adult life. “Whenever the game was on so was I, practicing my trash talk, earsplitting cheers, beer intake, and victory dance,” he said. “It got me tossed out of ten bars, a friend’s wedding, and my great-grandma’s funeral but it was all worth it.” After many years of training Justin’s brain has no filter, and his bladder is big enough to hold a gallon of beer. Yet he worries that it’s not enough.
“You ask yourself, I know I’m good, but am I Super Bowl good? Will people be annoyed enough to get in my face, or will they be distracted by a bigger and better jerk?” Small muses. “But the truth is, you can’t let self-doubt stop you.” He went on to say that he’ll do his pregame warmup at the tailgate party, where he’ll loudly play bad music while consuming lots of meat, cheese and alcohol. Beyond that he offered few details for his game performance, other than that it involved face paint, foam fingers and a complete disregard for the safety of others.
“Go hard or go home. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing,” Small said. “Those are the words of history’s greatest coaches whose names I don’t remember right now. Google it.”
Want to see more from DanaSan? Check out her website at danasansbrainstew.com.
© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.