Local Priest Bored With Lame Confessional Sins


Rockford, IL – Father O’Malley has been with Rockford’s oldest Catholic Church, Our Lady of Jesus H. Christ. He has seen many people enter and leave the steeple’s doors, heard their sins, and cast out many demons while saying the Hail Mary Prayer. Needless to say, he’s seen it all, which for O’Malley has caused him to feel stuck in a rut. When asked about this he’ll often denounce any thought that he is bored doing the Lord’s work, but we grabbed him after a Saturday Mass, specifically right after communion and got the details on what’s going on at Our Lady of Jesus. H. Christ.

At first he was a little skittish when we brought up his lack of interest. He stated that this is the Lord’s home and he was happily doing the Lord’s work. Though as we persisted and the blood of Christ (aka the Trader Joe’s Merlot) soaked in he started letting loose.

“You know, maybe ten years ago, the confessional was the best shift. People were doing all sorts of crazy stuff. Adultery, grand theft auto, assault and battery, this was a weekly routine. I mean, maybe it’s crazy, but I sort of lived vicariously through these people. I loved it.”

We reassured Father O’Malley that there was nothing wrong with that, he continued.

“Now, I’m sitting in there all day hearing all sorts of bull crap— No, don’t give me that look, it’s okay for me to swear, um, god said it was cool.“

We at first were taken back by this, but then it was apparent that Father O’Malley considered “crap” to be a swear word. It was just at this moment we noticed Father O’Malley’s Box O’Christ’s Blood. He’d been enjoying communion all day long.

“Any way, where was I. Oh right, sinners. So, here I am in the confessional and these people come in and out with just the most pathetic sins. Like, oh I stole from Walgreens. For crying out loud, we all do that. They also keep telling me that they’re sorry for watching the bachelor or whatever and I’m like, give me something good.”

When we asked Father O’Malley what would be considered “something good” he eerily answered without skipping a beat.

“Murder. I haven’t heard a, ‘I murdered my husband or wife’ story in years. I mean, I know it’s bad, but that’s the crap I love, ya know?”

After trying to let Father O’Malley know that his thoughts we did mention that perhaps it’s a good thing that people are committing far less substantial sins, though he did not appreciate that.

“Yeah, maybe it’s fine that these people are sinning less, but that’s stupid. Don’t they know they can do whatever they want and just repent at the last second? That’s what most people do. I don’t know what’s wrong with people these days, they’re a bunch of idiots if you ask me.”

Before we could disagree and tell him he was being inappropriate, Father O’Malley passed out in his pew.

Perhaps his opinion isn’t a popular one among his peers, and we didn’t quite see eye to eye with Father O’Malley, but something we found common ground with was that stealing for Walgreens is totally fine.

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