WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of a presidential election that has been described as “stunning,” “shocking,” and “WTF America,” the National Weather Service has warned that due to the politically charged climate, Thanksgiving 2016 is projected to be the most awkward holiday in American history.
Traditionally, Thanksgiving is a time for families to spend one drama-free afternoon together in an attempt to give thanks for being related to people who annoy the hell out of them the other 364 days a year. Old grievances are left simmering in the background, occasionally spilling over into a terse request to pass the yams. But this year’s forecast calls for a sharp rise in seething resentment across the country, creating an atmosphere so tense it can be used to string violins. Grudges are expected to develop further, with a 50% increase in passive aggressive behavior. Together the data indicates a perfect storm of awkwardness equal in power to nearly 1 million adolescents all hitting puberty at the same time.
The National Weather Service has advised people to refrain from Facebook and Twitter “starting Wednesday morning and continuing until you are no longer socially obligated to look at faces you really feel like punching.” They also recommend consuming two non-alcoholic beverages for each alcoholic one, and sticking to boring dinner topics like minor health problems and cute things pets do. Finally, any lull in the conversation should be spent building a fort out of mashed potatoes and avoiding eye contact at all costs.
The warning will remain in effect until November 2020.
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