Comedy Gym: Those Who Can, Do. Those Who Can’t Ask Stu: Vol.29


Welcome to the another edition of ‘Those Who Can, Do. Those Who Can’t Ask Stu.’ Each edition I do my best to answer questions about comedy or life in general. Feel free to send any questions to I will do my best to enrich your life (or make you eat it on a extreme level). Thanks for reading.

Stu McCallister

People can also ask questions about everyday things in life. I will try to answer in a non-jackassery way. No guarantees though.

Question #1
When it comes to selling merch what are the best things to sell after comedy shows? Where should I get it? –NH

After shows comics will sell a lot of things. I’ve seen cds, dvds, shirts, coozies, bumper stickers, shot glasses, underwear, coffee mugs…. This is what I suggest. Sell shirts. Sell a shirt that has a joke of your’s. Sell a shirt that has your name and/or website on it. These people become billboards for you where they go when they wear it. It is a constant reminder to them and others. I recommend shirts also because of the profit margin. Generally shirts will cost you 5-7 dollars. You can sell shirts for 20. That is a good profit margin. You can sell bumper stickers for 2 bucks or 2 for 5 bucks but what is the profit? It is minimal. And you don’t want to deal with change. Make everything 10 or 20 bucks. Make the t-shirt a good quality shirt. Make it something people will wear. Avoid swear words or graphic descriptions. As far as where you can buy them I would tell you to go local. You can use someone like Vistaprint but I prefer local. Why? Because you are right there. You can pick things up in person and talk to people in person. There won’t be shipping problems etc. They’ll have someone on staff that can design it for you. I prefer local when it comes to merch. I use Vistaprint for my cards though. They are hard to pass up on that. Hope that helps. Next question…

Question #2
There is a situation at work that has smoke coming out of my ears. I’m past the age of retirement, but need to continue working. I’m with a great company and enjoy what I do.

The fly in the ointment is one of our salespeople. He’s a big, strapping guy who comes barreling down the narrow aisles between cubicles. On more than one occasion I have had to execute a quick side step in order not to be run over. After the most recent near miss, I told him in no uncertain terms that if it ever happened again, I’d let him plow into me and take the consequences.

My question is, if I don’t get out of his way and do get knocked down, what recourse do I have? Good manners would dictate that the younger man allow me to pass first, but are there any legal ramifications? I would love to smack him (like Bette Davis would in an old movie), but with my luck, I’d be charged with assault. What say you? –DK

Dear DK, Kick his ass Seabass! Next question…

Question #3
After having been out of the U.S. for many years, I noticed upon returning that people here seem to be much fatter. I went to a family gathering, and virtually every formerly slim member of my family had also gotten bigger.

I quietly mentioned it to one of my sisters, and word got around that I had “no manners.” My other sister, “Niki,” who has a degree in psychology, told me in no uncertain terms that people never talk about such things with each other.

I explained to her that mentioning it once, or discussing the ballooning of America, can be appropriate. I believe our country has fattened up because of a lazy attitude toward exercise and calories. Niki vehemently opposes my discussing it.

I learned later that she neglected to invite me to her son’s wedding for fear I would say something about you-know-what to her in-laws. I admit, I don’t have a silver tongue — but I’m disappointed my favorite psychologist has blackballed me and cut off communication. It’s sad to lose a sister this way. Please advise. –BH

Dear BH- While it may be true that America has been expanding it’s waist size over the years you can’t go around making comments like that. So my suggestion to you is this- be quiet or start eating more. You can have your cake and eat it too. Next question…

Question #4
Two years ago, a couple built a home on the lot next to ours. From the time they moved in, we have been concerned about their 11-year-old son’s anti-social behavior. It began with him trying to coax our dog into his yard when we were trying to call her in. Then he started coming into our yard, playing roughly with our three small children and using vulgar language around our 8-year-old daughter.

He is no longer allowed in our yard and has been kicked out of three other homes in the neighborhood. The most recent incident occurred a few days ago, when he yelled a profanity at our daughter. I called his mother, and she told me her son would “never behave that way”!

Abby, this boy is creepy. I don’t trust him. He stands in his yard staring at us whenever we are outside. I’m worried his behavior will get worse. Other neighbors have seen him abuse his dog and other animals. His parents never watch him. What do we do? I’m worried about my children’s safety. –PD

Dear PD, This is what I would do. Talk with his parents one more time. If that does not rectify things you need to beat his dad’s ass. Once he sees that you beat his dad’s ass he will leave you alone. He’ll see you as the alpha dog. Just be sure you can beat the dad’s ass. Carry some brass knuckles with you. Good luck.

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