RIO DE JANEIRO (RPN) – Saying he agreed “wholeheartedly” with Donald Trump’s proposal that all immigrants to America be subject to “extreme vetting,” Russian president Vladimir Putin today said he will work tirelessly to have it become the next Olympic sport.
Speaking before the 2016 Russian Olympic team, whose ranks have been depleted by a doping scandal, Putin said extreme vetting would be “perfect” for the 2020 summer Olympics, to be held in Tokyo. And he predicted that Russia, with its long, proud history of “annihilating” opponents, would win the gold.
“In extreme vetting, competitors use cattle prod, waterboarding, thumbscrew, rack, Justin Bieber, ‘Muskrat Love’ and other exciting means to get truth,” Putin aid. “Perfect for TV. Add $1 billion, minimum, to NBC bid.”
Putin said the financial windfall could be even higher if the Olympic Committee added other “really extreme sports such as archipelago, Chechnyan oppression, foreign invasion and plutonium poisoning,” although he conceded those might be difficult to stage in just a few days.
“Except for extreme plutonium poisoning,” he said. “One minute, alive and well; next, problem solved. Play-by-play commentator barely have time to speak.”
He said extreme plutonium poisoning, like gymnastics, could be judged by a point system based on “execution.”
Doping, he added, would be “no problem,” since the radioactive element is by nature “a chemical.”
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