OCEAN CITY, MD – For thousands of years Christianity has warned of a liar, deceiver and false god that would bring about the apocalypse, known as the Antichrist. Many world leaders have been accused of being him, but on Wednesday the true Antichrist, also known as “the beast,” stepped forward to set the record straight. Born in ancient Rome around the same time as Jesus, he now runs a frozen yogurt stand in Maryland and goes by the name “Mitch.”
The unassuming middle-aged man looks nothing like the monster depicted in the Book of Revelations, nor does his easygoing temperament betray any desire to exterminate the human race. The Antichrist claims that everything written about him in the Bible was nothing more than a smear campaign by John [the Apostle]to sell more books. “That guy had it in for me because I was Roman, my mom was a witch, and I may or may not have slept with his wife,” Mitch said. “So he made up those lies about me to inject some drama into his dull writing and get more people to convert to Christianity. My name was synonymous with pure evil until that guy Hitler came along.”
Mitch went on to say he was shunned everywhere he went until he moved to the United States, changed his name, and opened “Fro Yo 2 Go” in Ocean City. “Every year I give away free cones to celebrate the beginning of summer. Would an evil person do that? I think not.”
When asked why he has chosen to come forward now after spending so many years living in anonymity, Mitch replied that he was tired of being associated with all the terrible things in the world. “Donald Trump was the last straw,” he said. “I’m not like him or anyone else accused of being me. I’m just a regular guy who sells frozen yogurt and is a better lover than a certain disciple ever was.”
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