NYPD Search For Man Assaulting Subway Commuters With Small Talk

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NEW YORK, NY – Following an attack at Bryant Park station last night, police have intensified their search for the man cornering people on the subway and forcing them to listen to his incessant small talk. There have been a total of six attacks on Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens subways in the past month.

“It was a nightmare,” said one of the victims, who wishes to remain anonymous. “He commented on the nice weather and I smiled halfheartedly and nodded a bit, as you do. But then he started talking about how much he was looking forward to summer and how much he likes to surf and did I like to surf and on and on.” She was unable to fend him off despite using every weapon in a New Yorker’s arsenal. “I stopped nodding and saying ‘uh huh’ and stared straight ahead. I even crossed my arms and shifted from foot to foot, but he just kept talking in that ridiculously cheerful voice. It was the worst experience I’ve ever had in the subway, and I once sat in hobo pee.”

At a press conference held earlier this morning, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that no effort is being spared to bring the suspect to justice. “The New York subway system is a pit of contempt and strange smells going back 100 years, with strict rules of etiquette. You don’t smile, you don’t make eye contact and you sure as hell don’t talk to anyone. We will not allow this maniac to threaten our way of life.”

The suspect is described as a white male in his thirties, about six feet tall and 150 pounds. He speaks with an accent that has been described as midwestern. Police are advising people to travel in groups and avoid wearing or carrying anything that could be considered an “icebreaker.” This includes baseball caps, funny tee shirts, bulky carriers shaped like musical instruments, flashy jewelry and babies.


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