Paul Ryan Tells American People That He Definitely Doesn’t Want Fettuccine Alfredo for Dinner

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For the past several days there has been some concern trickling down from Capitol Hill over what the newly elected Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan is going to have for dinner tonight. Many in both the Democratic and Republican camps have been speculating that it certainly appears as if the Speaker will enjoy a hot, tasty plate of fettuccine alfredo for dinner after another long day of speaking.

Luckily, the Speaker himself was available to comment about the recent mix-up and to clear the air regarding his dinner plans.

“Don’t get me wrong: I like fettuccine alfredo, a lot. I wouldn’t exactly mind eating fettuccine alfredo. But I just don’t want it tonight. Someone else can eat fettuccine alfredo, definitely not me, though. I’ll eat it some other time, for sure. Any rumors that say otherwise should not be taken seriously.”

Mr. Ryan went on to state that he very strongly believes there are already plenty of people out there that deserve to eat fettuccine alfredo tonight even more than he does. “The schedule is jam-packed today, there’s no way I’ll have time for bicep curls at the gym. That means carbo-loading on pasta and cheese-butter sauce is just not happening, not if I can’t get in a good sweat beforehand. I’ll probably go for soup instead.”

But the question remains, why did anyone think Paul Ryan was going to eat fettuccine alfredo for dinner tonight in the first place? Turns out, the rumors are now being linked to 42-year old intern and third cousin of the Speaker, Melinda Slate.

“I guess I just misread the signs. But in my defense, the Speaker was hanging up pictures of fettuccine alfredo all around the office today — it was weird,” says Slate. “ And then, he gave a speech this afternoon about how much he loved pasta, cheese, and butter. He never called it fettuccine alfredo, but still, I thought he had a serious hankering. This one’s on me.”

After all the miscommunication, all the drama, all the hoopla, it turns out that the esteemed Speaker probably won’t even have fettuccine alfredo for dinner tonight. Or will he? Only time will tell.


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