Hillary’s Tunic Designer Leaves Campaign Exhausted from Impossible Workload


Rumors are starting to spread on Twitter that Hillary Clinton’s personal tunic designer has left the campaign. Before now, not much has been known about Jessica Gruber, the alleged couturier of Hillary’s vast, seemingly boundless variety of high-fashioned power tunics.

Bill Rickard, the assistant to the assistant responsible for blow-drying Hillary’s hair, was available for comment. “I knew Jessica as well as anybody could. To be honest, Hillary kept her very busy. She didn’t so much leave the campaign as much as she escaped from it. Know what I mean?”

Sources are claiming that the Clinton campaign was pushing Ms. Gruber to fulfill an almost impossible quota, requiring her to produce at least one incredibly glitzy, and very, very shiny power tunic per day. “Those numbers just aren’t reasonable,” says Rickard. “Do you know how long it takes to create a power tunic, from design to draping? I mean, one a day? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Anonymous members of Clinton’s door-to-door grassroots campaign in Alaska are now claiming that Hillary and the senior members of her campaign staff often performed a strange, and disturbing ritual each night after the conclusion of the day’s events.

“It was late, really late, and I definitely wasn’t supposed to be there. The senior staff was all standing in a circle, wearing 80’s tracksuits and holding torches around a huge bonfire,” claims one anonymous source. “They started chanting in a strange language and eventually one of them held up the power tunic that Hillary wore that day and threw it right into the fire. It was weird.”

So the question is, where is Jessica Gruber now? And just how vital a role do Hillary’s power tunics play in her ability to capture the imagination of the American voters?

“She won’t wear the same one twice. Never,” Rickard added. “I’m not sure what’s going to happen now.”

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