Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From Humanity To Become A Horse

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Denver, CO — After his win from Super Bowl 50, Peyton Manning has announced he will be retiring from NFL. Football fans are impressed with his stats after spending 18 years in the league, but no one was ready for the massive shocker Manning was about to drop on the world.

“I’m just tired of walking around on both my legs!” exclaimed Peyton Manning at the latest press conference. “I’ve been living a lie my whole life, and I just want to come out and be who I am destined to be.” Manning said in a deadpan voice. He stared into the crowd, “I want to be a horse.”

It isn’t a secret that horses have played a massive role in Manning’s life. He played for the Indianapolis Colts for 14 years and later signed with the Denver Broncos for the remaining years of his career. Some say he purposely made sure he played for both of those teams, so he could get the feeling of what it was like to be a horse. It wasn’t enough.

Manning addressed the crowd wearing saddle bags on each side of his body. “These feel really good, like wearing a nice pair of slacks,” said Manning as he looked down upon his saddle bags. “Speaking of slacks, I guess I’ll be in the market for some four legged pants,” continued Manning.

The press couldn’t stay focused at the media conference. Peyton kept kicking imaginary dirt away as he would shake his head in a majestic manner. At one point, someone asked how Eli Manning, his brother, felt about Peyton’s decision on becoming a horse. “He didn’t seem to excited about it. He knows he’s the one that will brush my mane every night. I’ll give him rides though, he’ll snap out of it, ” answered Manning as he was in full trot around stage.

The quarterback finished out the press conference with a powerful statement. “If you have a dream, don’t run away from it, trot toward it with your mane held high, ” Manning continued as he choked back tears. “Don’t let anyone stop you from achieving your dream, tell those haters ‘neeeeeigh’. Peyton Manning reared back and was spooked off stage at the presses’ collective groans.


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