More than a decade after the last known sighting, Common Sense was officially declared dead yesterday. Evolving around the time the first primitive human discovered fire was for cooking and not eating, its numbers first began to decrease in the 1960s. The last known shred of Common Sense was run over by a texting driver in 2004, right before they veered off the road and into a swimming pool. Following the announcement candlelit vigils sprang up across the country, with people from all walks of life coming together to mourn and share fond memories.
“Common Sense was the best teacher I ever had. Kids today have fancy college degrees but they still can’t figure out how to split a dinner check four ways.” – Jennifer Bunt, 49, Akron, Ohio.
“If it weren’t for Common Sense I never would have survived my 20s. Hell, my kids never would have survived childhood. Wait, could you scratch that last part?” – Richard Jenkins, 56, Fairfax, Virginia.
“Common Sense was everywhere when I was a girl. We used to catch them in mason jars and watch their behinds light up…I might be thinking of fireflies.” – Penelope Wallis, 70, Lincoln, Nebraska.
Scientists hope to clone Common Sense using the few existing lab samples. Unfortunately, they do not anticipate success in time for the 2016 presidential election.
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