High School Nerds Prove They’re Totally Getting Laid in Parallel Universes


In response to constant harassment and bullying, Avon Grove High School’s science olympiad team have scientifically proven this past week that they are indeed having sex with women in parallel universes,
just not this one.

“Quantum theory argues that every possible action or outcome is played out. For example, if I flip a coin and it comes up heads, in another universe, it came up tails. This would clearly add up to an infinite
amount of universes very quickly,” stated high school junior and treasurer of science olympiad John Del Viscio, as he was being stuffed into a locker by members of the football team.

From inside of the locker, Del Viscio confirmed that because there are an infinite amount of universes, it is inevitable that in one of them they are indeed “scoring with mad chicks.” He then requested that reporters get the janitor with instructions that “It happened again.”

“It’s something we just happened to stumble upon. It’s not like we were actively seeking to prove anything. We’re completely…just completely confident in ourselves,” stated high school senior and
captain of the team Mike Dougherty, adding that if anyone knew any girls that were available to definitely give them his number because he doesn’t have a date to prom yet.

The discovery confirmed to the boys that although they are not popular, being invited to parties, or getting laid in this timeline, there are alternate timelines that exist in which they are successful with women.

“I guess all these other timelines make up for the lack of girlfriends I’ve had in this timeline. So I think all the guys on the football team can stop duct taping my hands to my own face and pushing me down
stairs,” whined pint-sized sophomore Donnie Hernandez as he struggled to remove his hands from his face at the bottom of the science wing’s staircase.

When asked what the next step was, the boys informed reporters it was finding a way to transplant themselves into these alternate realities, so they too can experience the physical and emotional gratification of having sex.

“It’s just really about pulling our resources together as a team, and jumping ship. This timeline has nothing to offer us anymore, and I’d rather be some sort of casanova than a geek,” explained Mike Dougherty as he wrote out complex math and science equations on a whiteboard.

At press time the boys were preoccupied with a game of keep away started by members of the football, who were mockingly asking them if they wanted their beaker back.

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