War On Christmas Crusaders Struggle To Readjust


SPRINGFIELD, IL – The decorations have been taken down, leftovers have been thrown out, and trees have been dragged to the curb. For most people Christmas is over. But for the crusaders who have been fighting the War on Christmas since September, returning to their old lives is shaping up to be a whole new battle.

Patricia Dougal is one such crusader. After months of berating cashiers who didn’t wish her a Merry Christmas, she now dreads going shopping. “I always expect the clerk to say ‘Happy Holidays’ and when he doesn’t, well, the bullet’s already in the chamber,” she said. “I usually wind up complaining about how he bagged my items and get the hell out of there.”

Dougal’s neighbor, Mitch Banner, still suffers from flashbacks. “In my office they had a menorah set up right next to the Christmas tree,” he said. “Sometimes when I’m in a meeting I see it in the middle of the conference table, mocking me. It’s crazy. Menorahs have no place in Christmas or in an accounting firm.”

Despite these hardships, both are prepared to rejoin their fellow crusaders for the 2016 War on Christmas. “Ultimately it’s all for the children,” said Dougal. “Christmas specials on TV and Christmas music pumped into stores decorated for Christmas just doesn’t cut it anymore. If we stop making everything about Christmas then we might as well start dressing our kids in burkas right now.”

Banner agrees. “How else are kids going to learn Christian values?” he asked. “Church? Their parents? Give me a break.”

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