Putin Calls for Halt to Fiji Resettlement

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WASHINGTON (RPN) – Saying that “this is not the time for America to take chances,” Democratic presidential candidate Vladimir Putin today called for a halt in resettlement of all refuges from Fiji, the tiny southern Pacific nation that is home to fewer than a million people.

Putin scoffed at the fact that no one on the bucolic island archipelago has ever acted violently – let alone ever been a refugee or wanted to leave what many Fijians call their “paradise” home.

Said Putin: “Who knows what they could be hiding in their luaus? Like maybe Ebola, smart guy?”

For the record, one reporter noted, luaus are Hawaiian, not Fijian.

“On this vital issue of national security, I stand with brave Republican governors,” Putin said.

Reminded that the federal government, not the states, control immigration and resettlement, Putin said: “Semantics, comrade. I call, too, for Fijian registry, monitoring of Fijian mosques, and a constitutional amendment prohibiting Fijians from seeking the U.S. presidency.”

Said a member of the press: “But Fiji is mostly Christian.”

“Semantics,” said Putin.


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