Watchdog Group Struggles to Find New Ways to Ruin Halloween


JACKSON, MS – Halloween always brings with it a generous amount of frights and protests. But this year may see a distinct lack of the latter, due to protesters’ inability to generate eye-catching new controversies.

Think of the Children is a watchdog group that has led protests over Halloween staples such as haunted houses, corn mazes, and inappropriate children’s costumes. However, as the general public increasingly views these protests as tired and stale, the group has struggled to find new things to get angry about.

Jennifer Birch, founder and president of Think of the Children, blames people’s apathy on the mainstream media. “The press used to take any unfounded rumor and whip it into a national panic, like when we thought some psycho was putting razor blades in Halloween candy. Now they won’t run with a story unless it’s ‘sexy.’ Suddenly six-year-olds dressed like Game of Thrones sluts isn’t sexy enough?”

Although Halloween is shaping up to be fun and free of controversy Birch is not discouraged, choosing instead to focus on the next holiday. “Luckily the War on Christmas kicks off right after Halloween,” she said. “That one’s guaranteed to keep us in business for a long, long time.”

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