PADUCAH, KY– If you’re hankering for some succulent chicken or pork drenched with luscious barbecue sauce at Paducah’s “BBQ on the River” event, then you will be sorely disappointed this year. The event coordinators announced that due to an unfortunate discovery, all barbecue will be banned and tofu will be sold in its absence.
What exactly was this “unfortunate discovery” that has changed “BBQ on the River” history forever? It’s a 14th Century pact that was made between a faction of Paducah wizards and the old, blood thirsty Ohio River Gods. A city worker fell into an archaic catacomb during construction on Kentucky Avenue and trekked upon a skeleton clutching a dilapidated scroll.
“I touched the scroll, and a magical apparition appeared that smelled of opium and stale mead,” explained city worker, Josh Phalen. “The ghastly figure referred himself as Carsoni Moonsalt and warned that if Paducah sold barbecue another year near the river, it would lead to apocalyptic consequences with the Ohio River Gods.” Josh continued, “Whatever the hell that means.”
The scroll was a truce between Paducahians and the Ohio River Gods. It stated that there will be no more blood shed between the two parties, as long as there weren’t any barbecues near the river. Rumor has it that the Ohio River Gods don’t have noses and hate seeing the pure joy it brings people that do have noses. If the pact is broken, the Ohio River Gods will unleash a wave of humanoid fish warriors upon the city.
The event coordinators have had a stressful time with this dilemma. “We started with the changes right away. Kentucky is already receiving bad press due to Kim Davis,” stated head coordinator, Betty Franklin. She continued,” we don’t need any Ohio River Gods stomping all over the river front, devouring souls.”
“BBQ on the River” usually sales about 80,000 pounds of barbecue every year, but this year they are hoping to convert that to tofu.
“We understand that 80,000 pounds of tofu would roughly consume 42% of Earth’s tofu, but we are American and we deserve everything,” exclaimed Betty Franklin. “I think the 40,000 people that we will attract this year will be pleasantly pleased with 80,000 pounds of tofu,” Betty said with a smile. She continued, “Hell we might even add some kale.”
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