There is one sure fire way to let you now what your friends REALLY think abut you. No matter what they say to your face and no matter how wonderful they say you are and how they would take a bullet for you because you mean that much to them, there is only one way to determine if this is true or not. The good news is it doesn’t require you to go on the Maury Povich show to take a lie detector about your sex life. The bad news is it does require you to go on a blind date.
The type of person your so called friends set you up with is the ultimate truth detector to how they perceive you as a person. I’m going to go forward with this from a mans point of view. I just don’t feel like writing he/she all the time just so some of you won’t get offended. So I will be using HE and HIM and HIS. However, this can apply to everyone so quit whining about it and read on.
Blind dates are the cheap hookers of the dating world. In essence, you have two people that are so lonely, so pathetic, and so out of touch with the rest of human kind that they need a last ditch effort at any type of human interaction to make them feel alive. In other words: COMEDY GOLD! And when the people involved in this humiliating scenario think of themselves as “independent” rather than “asshole-ish” they turn to their friends for love guidance.
And what do they do? They set you up with either a walking STD petri dish or someone so unlike you that you begin to wonder if these cretins are really your friends at all. You realize how much your friends suck. But a date is a date and, let’s face it, if you could find a date on your own you wouldn’t be here in the first place you miserable loser. So make the best of it with these three handy tips.
TIP 1: RELEASE THE POISON
Whether you want to admit it or not, you’re thinking about the other person being naked and exchanging herpes from the first time you meet them. And nothing can make a date go more wrong than having that “will we or won’t we” question hanging around all night. So my first tip is simple. Before you say anything or go anywhere, just screw each other and get it over with. Just get right in there and let those icky love juices intermingle to the point that you’re looking like some abominable circus freakshow. The object here isn’t whether it’s GOOD or not, but just that now you’ve seen each other naked and gotten a glimpse into what freaky deaky things you can expect in the future. This will make the evening go much smoother.
TIP 2: LET THE CRAZY OUT
I realize you want the other person to think of you as a mostly normal, well adjusted, upstanding member of society. But you’re not. You have habits and kinks that will either be endearing to another person or make them want to murder you with a pizza slicer in your sleep. So let the crazy all out. Put it on the line with some PRIDE. Wear that weird banner like it’s the most coveted thing in the world.
And I mean EVERYTHING.
Your love of using peanut butter in foreplay.
Your horrible renditions of old TV theme songs with your trombone.
How you clip your toenails with your teeth.
How you prefer binge watching “The Golden Girls” while wearing a diaper over going to the “movies” with “friends”.
ALL of it. Don’t be shy about anything. And while these things could be a potential date killer, if the other person is into it OR has even bigger, more socially and morally unacceptable things going on, it could be a match that E-Harmony would jizz in their pants over!
TIP 3: GET OUT EARLY
Let’s be clear. If someone like YOU can actually not only GET A DATE, but manage to have sex and have a woman smile instead of running in fear when you tell her all your secrets, you should leave while it’s good. Get out before you manage to ruin it all just like you’ve always done, which is why you had to go on a blind date in the first place. As an added bonus, if you get out early enough you can get out of paying for dinner. Just use the old “bathroom” trick and crawl out of the window and get back home, where the porn is free and your cat is scared.
In reality though, if you have found a woman willing to put up with your terrible personality and small, awkward, juvenile attempts at penis thrusting, you should probably skip the last step and immediately marry her! Book the first available flight to Vegas and have yourself the trashiest of white trash Vegas weddings. PRO TIP: Splurge on the transvestite Elvis. It’s a little more money, but there’s something for each of you under that jumpsuit.
Then get rid of your friends. It’s their fault in the first place.
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