98% of LA’s 40-Something Women Confess to ‘Hating’ Paddleboarding


LOS ANGELES–A surprising new poll reveals that a whopping 98% of Los Angeles’ single, 40-something women do not in fact “love” paddleboarding, as their Tinder, Facebook and Instagram accounts have all collectively shrieked, since the quirky fitness trend hit the scene, but in fact, describe their feelings towards the sport as ‘hatred’.

“I tried it”, says ‘Shoshanna’ of Pasadena, CA. “It was ‘OK’, but kind of annoying. I mean, didn’t we already invent canoes!? Why am I standing? But then, no woman in Whole Foods can shut up about it, so, now I drive 45 minutes from Pasadena, three times a week at 5am, with my 12ft board on the roof of my Fiat 500, to meet up with my ‘paddle pals’.” I’m not going to look like an idiot.

Poll respondents also used words like, “let down”, “disappointed” and “puzzled” to describe their time on the contraptions, paddling aimlessly away, at an estimated, 0.86 knot per hour. One woman described paddleboarding as “the new windsurfing”, while another described paddleboarding as, “the perfect combination of canoeing and waiting in line at the bank.”

Asked to describe one positive attribute of paddleboarding, Laura S of Venice said, “I don’t know, safe? Unless you die of boredom. Which I almost did. Huh. “paddle bored”. Now it all makes sense.

Dr. Ina Breshniva, director of the National Institute of Psychology was asked to comment on the pop-zeitgeist lie revealed by the poll. “People don’t want to be the odd person out. We’ve seen this for years, from Razor Scooters, to ‘Lost’. Once the hype hits a certain point, no one can resist. The next thing you know, some megalomaniac real estate tycoon ends up running the country.”

One of the other interesting facts revealed by the poll, showed that 95% of respondents had never really been to Machu Picchu, and “couldn’t even find it on a map.”

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