Toledo, OH – In a controversial 6-5 decision, the Toledo curriculum review board voted to require mandatory “abstinence only” education in the gym and kinesiology departments.
“We are proud to announce that our new curriculum will reflect our core beliefs in Toledo,” reported curriculum supervisor Simon Mauer. “Students will be shown the benefits of refraining from physical activity until completely committing to one activity.”
This new abstinence only curriculum offsets the original “safe move” program, wherein guest lecturers would demonstrate to students the proper use of Frisbees, bicycles and football pads.
“This is one step backward in an already failed education system,” reported Sheila Bonnette, local political activist. “The board clearly failed to note that the schools with abstinence only P.E. programs also had the highest teen injury rates.”
Students at the school reacted apathetically to the news, with one student noting, “Even if I wanted to engage in a physical activity, I probably wouldn’t be able to find someone to do it with.”
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