New York sports fans are a relentlessly unforgiving bunch. Sandy Alderson, general manager of the New York Mets, knows this all too well.
“Every day, I hear our fans complain that we’re one big move away from contention”, said Alderson. “Trust me, I’m out there every day talking to executives from other teams, trying to find out how I can improve the ballclub without trading away future stars”.
One of the executives Alderson has reportedly been talking to is Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski. According to Redditor and noted Alderson stalker DarrylStrawberryFields4Ever, the two teams have been discussing a blockbuster trade for outfielder Yoenis Cespedes.
“The Tigers are ready to deal Cespedes, but the Mets are hesitant to let go of groundskeeper Harry Blatz and restroom attendant Joe “Three-Ply” Jenkins”, said DarrylStrawberryFields4Ever in a recent AMA. “With the money they lost in the Madoff Ponzi scheme scandal, they can’t really afford to deal away young talent, so they’re hoping the Tigers will instead accept hot-dog hawker Sally “Peanut Tooth” Salverstein and Batboy Timmy”.
It’s easy to understand why the Mets would want to hang on to Blatz and Jenkins. Last year, Blatz was promoted from AAA-Las Vegas after netting 31 HR (hedgerows), while Jenkins had a stellar year at AA-Binghamton, handing out over 3,000 towels and even coming to the aid of a man with a broken arm who needed help wiping his rear end. He earned his signature nickname from finding a cost-effective way to upgrade the ballpark’s one-ply recycled toilet paper to a more luxurious three-ply variety.
The Tigers are in need of an upgrade in both their groundskeeping and facilities maintenance departments. Former All-Star gardener Howie Kaline, great-grandnephew of Tigers legend Al Kaline, departed for Los Angeles via free agency after the 2014 season, while controversial but effective restroom attendant and former Major League pitcher John Rocker left for a more lucrative job cleaning portable restrooms with Plop-A-Johns.
Should the Tigers decide to settle for “Peanut Tooth” and Batboy Timmy, however, their team would get a needed boost in both food sales and equipment management. “Peanut Tooth” is considered a valuable “utility” player who can come off the bench to sell hot dogs, sodas, and crackerjacks with equal aplomb, while Batboy Timmy is perhaps best known for a monumental catch he made in 2011 in a game against the Washington Nationals, saving a flying bat that Nationals shortstop Ian Desmond lost control of from hitting a grandmother in the face.
Both Dombrowski and Alderson were unavailable for comment, but their receptionists both hinted that a deal might go down soon.
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