Expert Admits He’s Full Of Crap


HANOVER, NH – Former Dartmouth researcher and health expert Duane Rothman sent shockwaves through the academic community last Thursday when he admitted that most experts are “full of crap.”

Rothman has led or participated in dozens of studies involving cancer, addiction, and mental health. His research has been published in several medical journals, and he’s appeared on talk shows such as Dr. Oz as a health expert. Rothman now admits that most of his findings were pulled directly out of his ass.

“We haven’t made any significant breakthroughs in cancer research for decades but people keep throwing money at it, so we had to keep coming up with stuff,” Rothman said. “Fortunately it’s such a complex disease that theoretically you can link it to everything from twinkies to birthday candles. We took that ball and ran with it.”

Other studies, he says, were inspired by late night binge drinking. “We were knocking back some tequila after work one day and started wondering if you could train mice to wear little sombreros. You won’t believe what you can get funding for when you’re associated with an Ivy League school.” Rothman left Dartmouth earlier this year after receiving a large inheritance from a relative. “Researchers are all about the money,” he said. “Now that I have lots of money, why bother with research? Everyone should have a rich spinster aunt.”

Rothman’s former colleagues have publicly denounced his claims. “He’s a disgrace to the Dartmouth community,” said researcher Alyson Bath. “Millions of people have benefitted from our work.” She then explained how her current study could significantly reduce landfill. “We believe edible beer bottles could be a reality in as little as three years, provided no one finds any links to cancer.”

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