ATLANTA, GA — Citing recent financial deficits and “a lack of compelling storylines” Turner Broadcasting Systems announced across the board cuts to its CNN program staff. Following these reductions CNN will air eight hours of current news alongside “four hours of talking heads and twelve hours of ‘The Classics.’”
Network insider John Scully hints the ‘The Classics’ will include, “Some of America’s favorite stars, such as Terry Schiavo, Elian Gonzalez, and maybe even an extra special afternoon of vintage Milli Vanilli coverage.” Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa are also rumored to be in talks for their own talk show solely concerning the 1997 home run race.
Ted Turner, the multi-billionaire owner of TBS, recalls the catalyst of these programming changes, “I watched an entire thirteen minutes of my beloved CNN and was completely underwhelmed at humanity’s current undertakings.” Turner further explained, “I realized there really is nothing going on anywhere nowadays. It was time to stop the madness and return to the good ole days!’”
Head staff writer Johanna Kozlowski agrees, “Humanity’s best stories are behind us. I mean, really, who is going to top Princess Di’s death, now THERE was a media circus. Or Joan Benet-Ramsey, or the East coast-West coast hip-hop beef or…OJ…” Following O.J Simpson’s mention Kozlowski’s excitement dissipated and she began wistfully staring into the distance as a single tear slid down her cheek.
“I just miss him is all,” Kozlowski clarified.
One of the flagship ‘new’ programs includes “Dark Days in a White House,” a ‘new’ drama cobbled together from the 177,948 hours of CNN coverage on the Monica Lewinsky scandal. “Dark Days” will feature Wolf Blitzer and comedian Andrew Dice Clay adding “modern-day spice” alongside dramatic reenactments featuring Lewinsky herself.
“I’m really excited to give my fans some of the inside scoops CNN overlooked during the first media circus,” Lewinsky declared. “Clay and I were looking through the old footage and noticed seven easy, semi-misogynistic puns CNN missed the first time.”
Besides “Dark Days,” Kozlowski elaborated on some of CNN’s other programming changes, “After the predictable nightly news, filled no doubt with more Middle East stuff, we are adding ‘Ripped From the Headlines,’ a dramatic re-reading of classic headlines, and ‘Gaffes on Gaffes on Gaffes,’ starring Joe Biden.” Both programs will reportedly include little to no additional commentary in order to save “lots and lots of money.”
“This new format will remind viewers of the quality coverage CNN has been delivering since 1980,” Turner excitedly declared, “I’ll admit I am more than a little excited to re-live how we crushed all possible angles for Nipplegate.”
Viewers can, according to Kozlowski, expect CNN to stop airing reruns when, “People become more interesting and some celebrity names his kid Blanket and almost drops him off a balcony. But I honestly think humans have just run out of steam.”
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