New Jersey To Spray For Hipsters


TRENTON, NJ – Due to a growing number of infestations, the New Jersey Department of Health has announced that statewide spraying for hipsters will begin next week.

Hipsters first started appearing in the United States nearly two decades ago, establishing colonies in New York City, Boston, and Seattle. Favorable environmental conditions allowed them to spread quickly throughout the west coast, engulfing California in a matter of months. Their growth in the northeast was limited to small pockets in New York State, Massachusetts and Connecticut until 2010, when hipsters were sighted as far north as Portland. Recent studies show that hipsters are now moving into New Jersey, with infestations being reported as far south as Ocean City.

Experts are unsure of reason for the migration given that New Jersey, with its gold chain and tanning bed culture, does not offer good conditions for hipster activity. Residents, however, are quick to place blame on New Yorkers. “They’re coming in from Brooklyn,” said Mandy Franklin, a hairdresser from Florham Park. “I got a cousin there who says hipsters are running wild, breedin’ like bunnies, and the city’s not doin’ anything about it. Let their tax dollars pay for the spraying.”

New Yorkers offer a different opinion. “Jersey’s always copying New York to attract more tourists,” said Brian Levitt, an office manager from Flatbush who visits the Jersey Shore every summer. “Last year I saw bakeries selling gluten-free muffins and bike shops offering recumbent bike rentals. You wanna be like us, you gotta take the bad with the good.”

The spraying will concentrate on the areas surrounding art galleries, coffee shops with espresso machines, and any store with merchandise that can be described as “vintage.” People are advised to keep their pets inside and all doors and windows closed.

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