Dating Advice w/Heather: Having A Baby Edition

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Heather is a single female comic in her late 30’s who has been on 22 dates in the past eight months and still lives alone with her cat.

Heather Kozlakowski

Heather

Letting her give dating advice is absurd.

Dear Heather,

My guy is really into bigger girls, I’ve recently lost weight and I fear he no longer finds me attractive. I am very happy with how I look; honestly, I’ve never been happier. If I see him look at one more big-bootie-girl I’m going lose it and eat a plate of donuts. Please Help!

Sincerely,
Mmmm…Donuts

Dear Mmmm…Donuts,

Let’s be real, one plate of donuts will not bring your bootie back. You need to seriously commit to the Krispy Kremes or drop Sir Mix A Lot and find a guy who likes YOU for YOU!

Dear Heather,

My girlfriend and I both work in the same industry, I’ve noticed that she is moving along in the company much faster than myself and it is starting to really bother me. I don’t want to be “that guy” how do I get over this?

Signed,
A Company Man

Dear A Company Man,

It sounds like you ARE “that guy” and your only hope is Exposure Therapy; pull your shit together and go to work.

Dear Heather,

I’m PREGNANT! I’m so excited! But my boyfriend won’t be; he said he didn’t want any children, but also refused to wear a condom KNOWING I am not on birth control. How do I tell him the news?

All My Love,
A Mamma

Dear A Mamma,

Tell him the news loud and slow, use small words and be sure to repeat yourself; your baby daddy is an idiot.


Got a question for Heather? Tweet her at @Hkozlakowski

Check out all of Heather’s Dating Advice Columns


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