Washington, D.C. – With Republicans gearing up for the likes of Ted Cruz, and Democrats chasing Hillary, some people are spinning in their graves. But one such person has decided to do something about it.
Roosevelt walked unsteadily to the headquarters to the Democratic Party and announced he’s had enough.
“Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance,” he declared.
It is unclear if he was speaking of fear about the future of our nation in these trying times, or the abject terror Dawn Tarantino felt at seeing a Zombie speak for the first time.
“Frankly, I didn’t know they could.,” she said. “I’d heard rumors of it of course, and to have not only a Zombie, but Franklin Roosevelt himself, was quite chilling. But strangely, an honor, too.”
The biggest obstacle Roosevelt will have to overcome, perhaps even bigger than being a Zombie, is the 22nd Amendment.
“I’m almost certain, especially with all the birthers out there from Obama, there will be Republicans contesting his eligibility,” said Tarantino. “But he might stand a chance of being grandfathered in under the principle that, technically, his term wasn’t over at the time the Amendment was proposed.”
In life, Roosevelt was responsible for The New Deal, which resulted in recovery from one of the worst financial crisis this country had seen up to that point. He strengthened the unions ability to negotiate with companies. Finally, he was the best man for leading our Nation through a period of time where war seemed inevitable.
His policies which directly caused redistribution of wealth and welfare programs, which are strongly a Democratic platform.
However, his New Deal program is also the basis for economic growth in over half the United States from military spending — a major Republican favorite.
As a result, FDR is perhaps the most bi-partisan president this country has seen in decades.
Of course, as a Zombie, he will secure that interest group’s votes. Unfortunately, until such a bill is passed to allow them the right to vote, they will need to rely on the living people who support their philosophies. It is, however, feasible any group fighting for equality might latch onto his candidacy.
No word yet from either John Boehner or his counterpart Nancy Pelosi on their opinion of Roosevelt’s declaration. Perhaps, if nothing else, they will at least work together on this one issue one way or another.
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