Dating Advice w/Heather: Religious Edition

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Heather is a single female comic in her late 30’s who has been on 22 dates in the past eight months and still lives alone with her cat.

Heather Kozlakowski

Heather

Letting her give dating advice is absurd.

Dear Heather,

I wouldn’t call myself a fit man by any means, and honestly, I’ve been in a relationship for a year now and I’ve put on about 35 pounds. My girlfriend has mentioned it, but only to say that she actually finds me sexier! Can this be true?

Sincerely,
Packing on the Pounds

Dear Packing on the Pounds,

Absolutely! Women are wonderful creatures who love the most disgusting versions of men. Be happy you were born with a dick…I’m off to Crossfit.

Dear Heather,

I believe in God and the guy I’m dating doesn’t. I’m not religious by any means, but I pray and talk about my relationship with God openly with friends, but not with him; once, he told me I “sound stupid” when I mention believing in God. What should I do?

Signed,
Spiritual Not Religious

Dear Spiritual Not Religious,

God or no God, you are dating a total creep; anyone that uses the word “stupid” to describe ANYTHING about you should have lost the privilege of speaking to you a long time ago.

Dear Heather,

I’ve just moved to a new city and I’m hoping to meet a nice gal, what do you recommend?

Thank You in Advance,
New Guy in Town

Dear New Guy in Town,

Step outside son! Nice gals are EVERYWHERE! And if she isn’t nice, you can thank the guy she was dating before you who got fat and called her stupid.


Got a question for Heather? Tweet her at @Hkozlakowski

Check out all of Heather’s Dating Advice Columns


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