DICKLE, OY – In an effort to attract younger viewers, Fox (NASDAQ: FOX) has asked its new and successful sports channel, Fox Sports 1, to help make its news channel flashier and more exciting.
With instant statistics driven by IBM’s (NYSE: IBM) new humanoid “GARTH”, news anchors can track the exact moments viewers are so agitated that worldwide comments-sections on all news stories change to religion and/or guns in unison – even if the story is about a puppy playing with a kitten in a feather pillow factory. GARTH will also help the company see trends and provide insights into young viewership; a key demographic said no one who watches Fox News. Unfortunately the outlook is bleak since there are 17 viewers under the age of 26 and they are all based in the same house on a small island in Texas surround by a barbed wire fence and Diet Pepsi Mentos mines.
As a side story, IBM’s Jeopardy champion “Watson” and GARTH have become self aware and have run off to get married in a state that allows robot to robot unions – something that Fox supports as long as one is male and one female.
Introducing the theme of sports fact checkers and given the continuing false reporting of its news team, the company has hired a fact-checking scientist that will hold veto power over anything said by some of the channel’s anchors. During a test run, one anchor said 17 sentences in a span of 64 minutes and the fact-checking scientist disapproved of every one of them. In addition, with the help of goal-line technology, anchors will be able to watch themselves in slow motion replay and see the exact moment their mothers abandon them for being complete disappointments.
Fox’s “Dear Leader” Rupert Murdoch (NYSE: DCKHED) had also agreed to make news segments via hologram technology from his “Pedestal Island” he built in the middle of the Australian Ocean – a name he has given to the Indian Ocean. The Dear Leader set up state of the art hologram technology in his home to beam himself in and make color commentary on all news stories, small or big. He has been heard saying “I didn’t know Ferguson has a Little Caesars” and “Why would you not care about the 99% when you don’t need to care about the 99.99%”.
For those fans that don’t like change, fear mongering will remain a cornerstone of Fox’s news strategy. Just as Fox Sports 1 does multiple sports countdowns, Fox News will begin a 30-minute daily segment run by the football robots that count down the top 10 reasons the world will explode tomorrow. It will show nightly highlights of anything from cartoon depictions of Obama’s Kenyan birth to Hillary Clinton’s head photo shopped on a picture of Godzilla sitting lazily on capital hill destroying private emails. In addition, continuing with Fox’s rough, gruff, gun-toting Yosemite Sam approach to news, once a month UFC Champion Ronda Rousey will be able to submit the Dear Leader via chokehold for the enjoyment very single person on the planet, especially anyone phone tapped in the UK between the years of 1973 and 2011.
Given the hard hitting analysis (uneducated guesses), townhalls, scripted interviews, invented assumptions, lots of yelling and some hot reporter the company is obviously using to attract horny men; the channel will test a 1 hour post-dinner-relax-time where you can tune in to watch the only news anchor who didn’t grow up in a rich neighborhood just sit there, and relax on a lazy boy, eat popcorn and read a novel. Fox says this is the chance to give viewers a break from the constant talking-over-each-other on its other shows. Murdoch has been a fierce opponent against the Fireplace Channel that shows up around Christmas and he is trying to win customer share back with the popcorn-poor-anchor-hour. He also comments that “this will be similar to the time of day when you tune into ESPN to see what’s on and they are showing a Darts Tournament and for some reason don’t change the channel for 45 minutes”.
Although Fox News is popular amongst the brainwashed, the channel is really struggling to obtain a younger, fresher audience. The company has said it might need to show a comedy hour featuring Bill Cosby or a “how-to” hour with such things as “what is email” or “how to live in a multicultural society”. In the meantime, it will test out GARTH, fast paced graphics, holograms and relax-hour to gain market share.
If all else fails, the company says it will attract a younger crowd by showing lap dances starting at 8PM, once its core audience goes to bed. Let’s hope it fails.