Champion Rower Turns Out To Be Row Bot

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In the world of underground rowing, where foul play is the norm, one man was able to win the Underground Rowing International Nocturnal Event, or URINE, for 10 consecutive years. But was this rower even a man?

URINE is the biggest Underground Rowing event in the world. Every year, rowers from up to three countries visit the Mississippi River to attempt to outrow each other. The competition can draw anywhere from 12-27 rowers and no more than 31 audience members. The winner of the competition receives no physical prize – rather, they just receive a brief amount of glory.

Rob Otts, the winner for the last 10 years, is a relatively unknown rower in more mainstream rowing events. But if you’ve heard of URINE, you’ve heard of Otts. His somewhat glorious run started in the spring of 2005 when, despite his rowboat being made of twine and doodads, he won by a tenth of a second, beating former champion Jim “A Robot Could Do This” Rapids, who immediately retired after the defeat.

After winning in 2014, an investigation into whether or not Otts was a man began. The investigation was initiated when Otts celebrated by ripping one of his arms off. And rather than blood pouring out of his severed arm, sparks flew out.

Over the past year, many tests were conducted on Otts. The most striking piece of evidence was the urine test. Since he was unable to urinate, it was determined that he wasn’t human, disqualifying him from this year’s competition.

After failing the test, Rob announced, “I’m a Robot and I’m going to Kill.” He then fled the scene.

The FBI is still in search of Otts. He is described as a man that looks like a robot. He has one arm, he’s 6’1″ tall, and he rows very well.

If you have any leads, please contact the FBI.


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