Dickle, OY – The Business world’s first 1/3 of 2015 will be remembered for contributing many things to society, none of which are mentioned in this article.
Let’s take look at some of the major (useless) business stories so far in 2015.
Wearable Tech is the current hot trend, culminating with Apple (NASDAQ: AAPL) launching its souped-up nano with a wrist strap. Apple has adopted the marketing methods of local gym owners who sell the opportunity to loose weight and look like celebrities for only $20 a month in perpetuity over the life of your great grandchildren. Tim C(r)ook, Apple’s mailroom clerk, says “finally American’s have a device they can use to track health and weight loss, for only 74 payments of $39.95”. Of course 14.8 million people bought into the health sales pitch and 14.7 million people stopped tracking health after 3 days. In fact, since the launch of the device, the world has gained on average 1.1 pounds per iPhone user because people were at least exercising their arms when pulling their phones from their pockets, or digging through their wife’s purse for 2 hours. Now you only need a twitch of the wrist and to yell at Siri to reply. I bought four watches with a goal to be featured on TLC’s upcoming series called “Growing People, Little Watch”.
In the same wearable theme, Google (NASDAQ: GOOG) has dropped its “Google Glass” product after marketing it, but never selling it, to the public since 2003. Even though the product could enhance the reality around us, surveys constantly showed it did nothing to curb the reality that others perceived of the complete douches that were wearing the product. Google has now switched to simply giving away a revamped product they call “Google Goggles” to extremely hot people. This device mimics beer goggles to enhance reality in a different way – by helping Google’s nerd employees get laid.
A startup company called Shardet (North Korea Cattle Exchange: S) has partnered with Twitter to run analytics on the collective mood of the populous to help evil regimes. Kim Jong-un tested the system by announcing he “would launch a missile toward the ocean in an attempt to kill the ever slippery Moby Dick”. Shardet reported the collective mood turned “hilarious” when the missile flew 10 feet, flopped on the ground and the parts made from chocolate quickly melted in the sun. The company also has the ability to run intelligence scans and noticed that during the “dress scandal” the collective world IQ dropped 8 points – and that’s even counting the 25 point IQ jump when Elon Musk had his idea of an organic fuel propelled toilet that can travel from San Francisco to L.A. in less than 2 poops.
On the back of HBO’s success with “The Jinx” documentary about how defense lawyers can successfully argue away any crime that a celebrity commits, the network has decided to launch an investigative journalism documentary about Brian Williams and his claims in life. Ironically, the network has hired Williams to investigate himself in the series, which some see as an absolutely brilliant move given he will do anything for ratings, even revealing the truth about himself. Others, however, see it as a potential derailment of the man given his insatiable need to embellish the lies which would require further investigation from himself about himself in a continual spiral causing a black hole to open and swallow him whole. So far they have caught the reporter / subject whisper about his degree at Harvard, Columbia and Stanford in Philosophy, Journalism and Astrophysics respectively, cheating on his LSATs and attempt to convince people he needed to wear Trojan Magnums. This would be the second time in a few months HBO is embarrassing William’s, the first being when it cast his hot daughter in a show so the whole world could watch her mimicking an unsuccessful Bjork and continuously humping everyone.
Fifteen Uber executives have left the company and started “BuuBer”, an App that will pick up a prostitute at any location and bring him / her to your location. The app works only if the town’s prostitutes carry a special chip containing height, weight, bra size or penis size, or both, along with location and hand callus rating from “cloud” to “sandpaper”. The app is used by clients to select a “type” and the closet car to that person picks them up and brings them to your “home” (hourly hotel room).
With the media attention surrounding “funeral strippers” in China, the company has launched new services to help those in troubling or boring situations get by. “Holy Strippers” can be hired to entice many to come back to religious services or “Healthy Stripers” can be hired to entertain your family in the hospital while you are in surgery. This has caused a stir in the worldwide moral sentiment as measured using Shardet’s Twitter analytics. However, when segmenting a little further, sentiment in male Twitter users between the age of puberty and death has shot through the roof and religious attendance has tripled amongst college fraternities.
Looking ahead at the second 1/3 of 2015, we anticipate a range of technological advances from the Apple Weigh Scale to BuuBer’s retail division – “Luuber”. Off to Church.
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