Bored. Hot. Irritated.
That’s how college graduates feel sitting through their commencement ceremony.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. If you’re in charge of picking the speaker, skip the overpaid celebrities and business leaders.
Choose a Looney Tunes character instead.
Following are the top three that will make graduation memorable.
Sure, he’s “A strong, murderous beast with jaws as powerful as a steel trap,” but he’s also an enthusiastic speaker with quick to-the-point messaging.
The energetic marsupial will hit the stage like a mini-tornado, twirling spastically. Everyone from the oldest grandparent to the fussiest toddler will be transfixed as members of the dais scramble for safety.
At the podium, the Tasmanian Devil’s speech will be brief, but emotional.
“Congrats!” “Ambition!” “Persevere!” will be shouted in a growly staccato.
Before they know it, the grads will be out in the parking lot throwing their mortarboards like Frisbees.
Note: One drawback might be the backstage rider, as his food request includes an ample supply of “tigers, elephants, buffalo, donkeys, giraffes, moose, ducks … and rabbits.”
So will begin Yosemite Sam’s motivational rant.
The gunslinger will draw his six-shooters and fire a dozen rounds in the air.
“Rid the world of varmints! Make sumpin’ of yerselves!”
The class will learn much from the self-proclaimed “roughest, toughest, root’nest, toot’nest commencement speaker west of the Pecos.”
His booming voice and fiery rhetoric, however, may come at a price.
Last year, Yosemite accidently shot a tuba player as the band performed “Pomp and Circumstance.”
This overbearing rooster will walk on stage with a lighted stick of dynamite and “KaBoom,” blow the plumage clean off his body.
“Fortunately,” he’ll say nonchalantly, “I keep my feathers numbered, for, for just such an emergency.”
After grabbing your attention, Leghorn will mosh-pit dive into the audience, and work the crowd like Don Rickles.
“You look so dumb, boy, I bet you think a Mexican border pays rent.”
“Look! This kid’s about as sharp as a pound of wet liver!”
And if the crowd starts to turn, he’ll shrug off his comments as friendly mirth.
“That’s a joke, ah say, that’s a joke.”
Leghorn will end his speech by paddling Barnyard Dog.
So there you have it. Three Looney Tunes characters to speak at graduation.
If they’re busy, you might be able to get Marvin the Martian. Just pray he leaves the “Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator” at home.
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