UK Basketball Player Tests Positive For Being An Actual Wildcat


Lexington, KY–After receiving their first loss in a near perfect season, and the “not safe for work” comments Point Guard Andrew Harrison said at the post game press conference, the University of Kentucky’s basketball program can’t catch break.

The rule of three was fulfilled with the latest scandal shaking up the Big Blue Nation. The NCAA announced that results of a test, given to each player before the tournament, indicate Willie Cauley-Stein tested positive for being an actual wildcat.

According to reports, Willie Cauley-Stein has the ability to shape shift into a wildcat and revert back to human form when the animal side is satisfied.

“I guess it all makes sense now, ” said Cauley-Stein, “I would wake up naked outside a petting zoo, I just thought it was another level of puberty.”

This raises many questions on how this shape shifting ability has manifested itself within the young basketball star.

“I found a magical amulet on a beach in Maine,” he explained. “They have beautiful beaches. I was using a metal detector, because if I’m not slamming rocks in the paint, I’m on the beach with my metal detector scanning for treasures.”

Not everyone is thrilled of a “Werecat Willie” running around campus. Police reports are coming in from all over Lexington of a four-legged beast roaming the streets.

“Why do you think we light our couches on fire in the middle of the street,” exclaimed band wagon fan Michael Edwards. “You think we are doing this out of protest? Nope. We are doing this because Werecats hate couch fires.”

Coach John Calipari weighed in his opinion on the Werecat situation.

“I always thought he was going to turn into a monster eventually, I mean his last name has the word ‘Stein’ in it,” remarked Calipari.

Willie’s team mate, Andrew Harrison, had different choice of words for Cauley-Stein’s animorphing abilities, “Man, f*** that Werecat.”

© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.

Comments are closed.