Providence, RI – In a groundbreaking verdict, the state of Rhode Island passed a law preventing anyone from telling teenagers what to do.
Thomas Ryder, Rhode Island’s governor, believes they did the right thing.
“The time has come for us to stop telling teenagers how to live their lives,” he said. “Our country is in a deep financial crisis. Several states have shut down schools to cut costs. Allowing teenagers the freedom to make their own decisions will hopefully result in many dropping out, creating less strain on the school system. Plus, with their lack of education, these kids will end up competing for jobs with illegal immigrants, which, over time, could help with the immigration crisis as well.”
Carol Sheen, a 33-year-old state senator with no children, recalls her own youth.
“I remember when I was in high school and legally almost an adult, I didn’t appreciate my parents telling me what to do,” she said. “But nowadays, it’s not just relatives attempting to control teenagers lives.”
Sheen refers to a voluntary poll of 12 percent of the nation’s teenagers, revealing that parents, more than any other category, tell teens what to do with 94 percent of teens responding positively. Grandparents and other relatives follow at 82 percent; neighbors at 63 percent; store owners/employees at 57 percent; and peers at 38 percent.
“Today’s teens are much smarter than we were at their age and I believe allowing juveniles to run their own lives will substantially benefit our country,” Sheen continued. “What have we got to lose?”
Teenagers throughout the state of Rhode Island are thrilled with their forthcoming autonomy.
“It’s like, hashtag ship bae[sic], finally,” said Jenny Pringle from Cranston. “I’m 16. I have sex. Pfft [sic].”
“I can’t wait,” added Jenny’s mother. “She can move out, screw whoever she wants, buy her own food and live in her own filth.”
“My 15-year-old has his own gun and can shoot it; he’s threatened me many times, and says I can’t make him do his chores,” said Portsmouth resident, Joseph Bill. “Now that the state took his side, I have no recourse.”
Joseph’s son Bobby felt vindicated by the new law, stating simply, “Yeah.”
Critics of the law include parents groups such as The Mommie’s Network and Great Parents. Joan Rothman, founder of Great Parents, believes minors are incapable of making sound decisions.
“Teenagers aren’t just small adults, their brains are still developing,” she said. “If they don’t get proper nutrition and stay in school, we will soon have a nation of illiterate ingrates.”
“Like all da time people gets in my face n tries to control my life[sic],” said Aiden, a 13-year-old from Newport. “My moms’s[sic]so basic like, ‘do your homework,’ n[sic]my dads’s[sic]all, ‘brush your teeth, and don’t forget to floss’ n[sic]this jerk on the street yelled [at]me don’t smoke! How’m I suppose to play Mario Kart 8 wit all that yellin[sic]?”
Perhaps in a hint of things to come, Ethan [last name withheld]a 12-year-old from New Shoreham (Block Island) celebrated the passing of the law by drinking 23 espressos, putting his pants on his head and running through Starbucks screaming, “I’m Spongebob Hatpants!” He was taken to the local police station where he was given a warning and picked up by his father three hours later.
Local law enforcement agrees the time for this law has come.
“Look, we’re broke,” explained PoliceCaptain Hardwick. “With the extra revenue from increased MIPs [Minor In Possession] and DUIs we’ll be able to buy more armored vehicles. I personally could use a BearCat.”
Several states are currently considering similar bills.
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