With all the talent, fame, and fortune professional athletes have, it’s easy to forget that they’re human. But they are human. They put their pants on one leg at a time, poop, and hate the Yankees just like the rest of us (yes, even Yankees players). They also make New Years resolutions like the rest of us, and fail miserably, often before January has ended. Thus, like the rest of us (I gave up being repetitive for Lent) professional athletes use the 40 days of Lent to make up for their broken New Years resolutions, often without success (stop giving up chocolate and soda, people. It can’t be done).
So which athletes are the culprits in 2015?
New Years resolution: Stay away from steroids
Resolution broken: January 21st during meetings with Barry Bonds
Now, let’s be clear. It was never reported that A-Rod took steroids during his meetings with Barry Bonds. However, everybody knows Barry Bonds has steroids coming out of his pores, and any contact with him may result in a contact high (you didn’t think that was possible with steroids, did you?). So after the report came out about the A-Rod/Bonds meetings, Rodriguez decided to give up steroids for Lent. Except he described the intended sacrifice while a needle was sticking out of his ass.
New Years resolution: Don’t fizzle in the playoffs
Resolution broken: January 11th during playoff loss to Indianapolis Colts
Despite a Super Bowl ring under his belt (and no explanation as to why he keeps it there), Peyton Manning has earned a reputation for not showing up for playoff games, and choking when the games actually matter. After another mediocre performance against the Indianapolis Colts this year, Peyton gave it another shot by giving up choking in playoff games for Lent. This was seemingly a fool-proof plan, as no NFL playoff games happen during the 40 days of Lent. However, what Manning failed to remember was that he had an Oreo Double Stuff Racing League playoff game on March 21st, during which he literally choked on an Oreo cookie and lost in embarrassing fashion.
New Years resolution: Don’t lose by more than 20
Resolution broken: January 2nd after their first game of 2015
Forty days of keeping losses within 20 points is possible even for the Sixers, right? Ha. Let’s move on.
New Years resolution: Don’t do drugs (Translated: don’t get caught)
Resolution broken: January 1st at 12:01am
While technically NFL WR Josh Gordon didn’t get caught and suspended for alcohol use until January 25th, come on. Just. Come on. However, in an honorable attempt to serve his one year suspension with dignity, Gordon decided that for the 40 days of Lent, he would give up all drugs, including alcohol. Unfortunately, Josh thought being clean during his suspension was under the honor system, and 17 different drugs were found in his system during his first urine test of March. According to Gordon, “I know what I’m doing. My goal has always been to win the Super Bowl, and I have a better chance of doing that while out of the league than while playing for the Browns.”
New England Patriots
New Years resolution: Don’t get caught cheating
Resolution broken: January 18th during playoff win against Indianapolis Colts
In a well-known cheating scandal given names like “Deflategate” and “Ballghazi,” the Patriots gained an advantage over the Colts by underinflating footballs during a mid-January playoff game. After not learning a lesson yet again, Patriots ownership, refusing to stop cheating, decided to give up getting caught for Lent. They made it 39 of the 40 days without getting caught, until owner Robert Kraft was caught stealing $500 bills from the bank during a family game of Monopoly. Kraft denied any wrongdoing and convinced his 8 year old grandson that he didn’t gain any advantage by stealing the money, but little Timmy smelled his shit from a mile away.
New Years Resolution: Don’t suck at golf
Resolution broken: January 30th during the Waste Management Phoenix Open
Tiger missed the cut on day two of his first tournament of 2015. In the next tournament he entered, Woods performed significantly better by withdrawing prior to completing any rounds. Feeling good about the direction he was trending, Tiger decided that he would give up sucking at golf for 40 days during Lent. Despite shattering his SUV’s rear windshield with an errant golf ball while at the driving range in early March, triggering rumors about another scorned ex, Woods seemed well on his way to succeeding in his goal. However, after a recent ESPN article was published with the headline “Keep Expectations Low for Tiger at Augusta,” it looks like Tiger Woods still sucks at golf. So close.
Allow me to offer some advice for professional athletes, so they can find more early-year success in 2016: Give up resolutions for New Years and give up Lent for Lent. If that’s too hard, just give up.
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