Dating Advice w/Heather: Facebook Edition

0

Heather is a single female comic in her late 30’s who has been on 22 dates in the past eight months and still lives alone with her cat.

Heather Kozlakowski

Heather

Letting her give dating advice is absurd.

Dear Heather,

I can’t stop looking at my Ex’s Facebook. Please HELP!!!

Sincerely,
Cyber Stalking

Dear Cyber Stalking,

If you look in the litter box you are going to see cat shit. From now on, when you want to check him/her out online, take a deep breath and clean the litter box, it’s a WIN, WIN!

Dear Heather,

I’m newly married! I know right?! YAY?! However, he hogs the bed and I end up sleeping on the couch! How do I get him to stop?

Signed,
Tired of Sleeping on the Couch

Dear Tired of Sleeping on the Couch,

Are you asking me how to get your man to roll over?

The answer is obvious: Treats and positive reinforcement.

Dear Heather,

I’m a single mother and my son has hit puberty! I’m losing my baby to long showers, angry wake-up calls and the inability to make eye contact; what do I do?

Sincerely,
He’s Growing Up

Dear He’s Growing Up,

Your pubescent boy takes showers? Count that as a blessing!! You are VERY LUCKY; they tend to be super stinky! Also, stop trying to make eye contact and get him an alarm clock.


Got a question for Heather? Tweet her at @Hkozlakowski

Check out all of Heather’s Dating Advice Columns


© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.

Comments are closed.