Dating Advice w/Heather: Don’t Give Up On Love Edition


Heather is a single female comic in her late 30’s who has been on 22 dates in the past eight months and still lives alone with her cat.

Heather Kozlakowski


Letting her give dating advice is absurd.

Dear Heather,

I’m afraid my sister has given up on love. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I am sad to think that she has settled for a life of spinsterhood. How can I be sure?

Sister Act

Dear Sister Act,

Giving up on laundry is synonymous with giving up on love, how offensive is your sister’s wardrobe? Invite her to brunch and see if she shows up in sweatpants and an AC/DC T-Shirt; if she does, she may have already joined the Spinsterhood of the Traveling Sweatpants, which honestly, sounds kind of dope; these skinny jeans are pinching my nether regions.

Dear Heather,

I just found out the guy I’m dating lives with his mother. I’m pretty disappointed, I always imagined myself with a guy who was a real go getter, accomplished and forward moving. I’ve caught feelings for him though, and it makes me sad to think of breaking up with him. What should I do?


Dear Disappointed,

You should be happy.

If him living with his mother causes you to be more disturbed than being in relationship with him causes you to be happy; move on.

PS If he is in his 20’s give him a little slack; anything over 30 however, is suspect or Italian.

Dear Heather,

My girl is in a TON of debt and wants to get married! I said,” HELL NO WOMAN”! That didn’t go over too well; how do I clean this up?

I Messed Up

Dear Messed Up,

I honestly think there is no coming back from this one. You were a total ASSHOLE and…excuse me while I pay for this coffee on my Visa…you should have been more considerate of her feelings, DICK.

Got a question for Heather? Tweet her at @Hkozlakowski

Check out all of Heather’s Dating Advice Columns

© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.

Comments are closed.