Rand Paul to Bring More Bad News to Kentucky


The University of Kentucky’s men’s basketball team was denied a perfect season by the Wisconsin Badgers. With the state reeling from this recent blow to morale, Rand Paul is setting up the knock-out blow.

Rand Paul–a first term Senator–is preparing to announce his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination in his home state of Kentucky. Sen. Paul has been described as “downbeat and dour,” which is exactly how sports reporters described the Kentucky Wildcats’ after their loss to Wisconsin on Saturday April 4th.

Paul’s campaign plans to bring the mood considerably down compared to other candidates. Whereas George H.W. Bush had “1,000 Points of Light,” Rand Paul’s slogan, “Change? Yes! Hope? No.” offers a different approach to American politics. Though some insiders believe the pessimism of Sen. Paul to be a welcome change, Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari said, “I’m worried I won’t be able to handle looking at another sad Kentuckian face. But with Rand Paul’s announcement it looks like every Kentuckian will be gloomy.”

Many have said now might not be the best time. Sen. John McCain, the first Republican candidate to lose to Obama, said, “I’m upset because my bracket hinged on Kentucky winning it all. Now I’m afraid this wacko bird Paul plans on bringing us more bad news.”

Sen. Paul once also told ABSRD News his plans to release a new line of antidepressants to counteract the predicted response to his announcement. “They’re called Badgers because they’ll be easier to swallow than my outlook on America’s future. And remember to Stand with Rand!”

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