Stetson Presents: Ask a Redneck 20

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Holy hell you guys, I can’t believe we’ve been at this for this long. You’d think I’d run out of material, but to be honest, with the people I surround myself with (i.e. other rednecks) I ain’t ever gonna run out!

Is it true that rednecks are really cheap shoppers?-Donny T., New York, NY.

Well hell yes! Ever heard of Wal-Mart dude?! Worthless shit at rock bottom prices?! Brother, I bought a camouflage iPhone cover for $1 the other day! See? I’m thrifty as hell, man. Except when I buy work boots, gotta have the best for my feet, buddy. No Wally World special for me. Did you know the guy who started Wal-Mart was from Kingfisher, Oklahoma? Makes sense now, don’t it?

Why do rednecks get drunk and fight each other? It seems as if that’s all you see on COPS.-Josh L., Spokane, WA.

Simple enough to explain: we’re idiots. You ever had a buddy say something, such as to criticize you for how you hold a pool cue, how your truck is a hunk of moose turds or that your girlfriend/wife is attractive/unattractive? While sober, a redneck will either accept these things or come up with reasons why what you said is wrong. Drunk, them’s fightin words. Why? If you mix alcohol with an already unstable temper and IQ under 75, the answer is always violence. Always. Never a remainder or decimal point to deal with, friends.

Why do rednecks need so many guns?-Bob M., Albany, NY.

Why don’t you need any? What are you gonna do when Russia or China or Mongolia or even Mexico invades the good Ol U.S. of A and you need to defend your home? Can you hurl a paperback novel at 2200 feet per second? I didn’t think so. That not only makes no sense, it’s non-lethal. So, I’ll keep my weapons and you enjoy learning how to say “More Vodka, sir?” in Russian. On a side note, Mexico has already pretty much invaded. Luckily the only territory they occupy is Home Depot parking lots and DMV’s.


Tweet your questions or send them to my email: @StetsonAshpaugh and therealstetson@hotmail.com.

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