Darth Vader Charged with Excessive Use of The Force


A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY— After a lengthy internal review by members of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord, Darth Vader, was found guilty this morning of excessive use of the Force during an altercation in which Vader allegedly choked subordinate Admiral Conan Motti aboard the Death Star.

“Vader was on edge all week,” an unidentified Stormtrooper told the Imperial tribunal investigating the incident. “He’d been unsuccessful in uncovering the location of the rebel fortress, and Motti took a dig at him about it.”

According to eyewitness accounts, Admiral Motti further instigated the conflict by disparaging the Sith’s religious background, at which point Vader, apparently finding Motti’s lack of faith disturbing, closed his fist and began choking the admiral from across the room.

It was only after his commanding officer, Grand Moff Tarkin, intervened that Vader relented.

“It was clear the admiral couldn’t breathe,” said Captain Firmus Piett. “It was a huge overreaction. For a guy who’s prophesied to bring balance to the Force, Vader could use a little balance in handling his anger.”

But others see the force-choking incident as little more than blowing off steam.

“Tensions flare when you’re in cramped conditions,” said one member of the imperial army, who asked to remain anonymous. “People forget that this space station, although the ultimate power in the universe, is only about the size of a small moon. You just gotta save that aggression for battling rebel scum.”

As punishment for excessive Force, Vader will be confined to his meditation chamber for one week. Admiral Motti will also be disciplined for his role in creating a hostile work environment by mocking his colleague’s religion, leading Emperor Palpatine to institute a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy regarding belief in midichlorians and ancient religions aboard all Star Destroyers.

At press time, the Death Star was reportedly fully operational and seen in the vicinity of the Alderaan system.

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