Top 5 Careers for the Automated Economy


Computers will never be creative, they said. Robots could never write a story, they said. They’re mindless machines, they said.

Well, they were wrong. As reported in the New York Times, computers can now craft newspaper articles virtually indistinguishable from those written by humans. Yet the robots’ reach goes even further, threatening to obviate millions of workers across a plethora industries and professions from blue-collar to white-collar and everything in between.

And so with the spectre of automation looming over the economy, we here at absrdComedy think it’s only prudent to look at the most promising careers in this brave new world. These jobs were selected based not on what humans can do better than robots, but rather on what robots simply won’t do because they don’t have to eat food like some sauntering fleshbag overflowing with character flaws and weakness.

1. Shepherd

If you like animals and also like eating them, being a shepherd should be a good fit. Simply find some good grazing land, get some sheep and NOM NOM NOM.

2. Subsistence Farmer

This one is for the more vegetarian and granola eaters among you soon to be unemployed shoe-gazers. Simply select your crop — ideally something hardy and dependable like potatoes–plant it, harvest it and then wait for death. Crops like potatoes also allow you to make alcohol, which will be your only source of solace when your crop fails and the memories of a warmer life ring through your mind like church bells echoing the naiveté and hope of a past that is forever gone. YOLO!

3. Warrior

Do you even pillage? While the timorous and gentle of this world seek to quietly preserve their dim existence through potatoes and/or sheep, you can just take their potatoes and/or their sheep. Might is right, so lean into it, bro.

4. Concubine

Eventually some sort of new social order will coalesce around violence and terror, so why not snuggle up to that violence and terror? Fifty shades of morally grey, bai.

5. General Nomad

If you’re the sort of wandering soul who finds themselves in a room of their apartment or house without any idea of how or why they got there in the first place, this is for you. After all, many of us would rather evade our problems and dodge hard questions than face them head-on. Alternatively, you could run for one of the major political parties who are all really on top of this issue.

(Full disclosure: I am a robot.)

© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.

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