absrdFINANCIAL News: March 2015

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Apple’s new plan to make everyone an iPhone user

(Wall Street) Apple CEO Tim Cook announced a plan to make everyone an iPhone user.
Starting tomorrow, millions of iRobots will be released in our neighborhoods. Anyone seen carrying a non-iPhone will have the phone confiscated and be involuntarily implanted with a microchip containing iOS, which will be automatically connected to the iCloud.

Resistance is futile.


Government says 16.4M gain health coverage under Obamacare

(Washigton, DC) Obamacare has led to the biggest decrease in the numbers of Americans lacking health insurance in four decades—with minorities and young adults seeing the largest gains in coverage, the federal government said Monday.
Conversely, the number of doctor visits has dropped by that same amount, as most Americans can’t afford the high co-pays and out of pocket deductibles.

“See? It’s working,” said the Secretary of Health’s assistant’s hair dresser, Darlene Finch.


McDonald’s conditions are hazardous, workers claim

(Oak Brook, IL) Members of a group fighting for $15 hourly wages have filed a series of complaints against McDonald’s alleging work conditions at the fast food giant are hazardous.

“Duh! They work with boiling French Fry oil and hot burger fryers, said McDonald’s spokesman, Ronald M. Donald. “What do they want, $15 an hour AND safe working conditions?”


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