Given all the hype in the last few weeks over “Deflategate” and the non stop negative press in the last five months, the NFL has decided to make more money and expand the 2016 Super Bowl to an all-inclusive three-day, four-night event. The organization comments that this brings the sport to a whole new level – desperate.
Although most of the world is buzzing about the event, companies are scrambling to get in line and pay millions for one of the 1,743 commercial slots. Budweiser requested 678 of them; Doritos, 17 slots, and car companies have put in for the remainder. In a move that makes complete sense, Go Daddy decided to start a porn channel and advertise through there. Budweiser commented that it is in the initial planning for those 678 commercials, but right now, 645 feature a horse and a dog with the rest featuring Alex Jones yelling at you to go out a buy some Bud Light because Coors is in cahoots with the CIA and plan to make soccer the national sport of choice.
Fox Sports 1, ESPN and ESPN Ochos have all praised the move and said they are now in the process of interviewing for a dedicated team of analysts that can comb through each play with the literal anal attentiveness of a cat cleaning up after a jaunt to the litter box. Fox said it hired a Harvard MBA and will train them on how to circle things on a TV screen properly so we, at home, can understand how running works.
Fans will be given seat cushions for free and a $175 stipend to use at the concessions during the four nights. Although this got potential ticket holders excited at first, ESPN showed analysis that this money would only give customers two hot dogs, three bags of chips, one pretzel, three Pepsis and a free cup of fry grease to keep warm during the night. Complaints started pouring in, but the NFL said they will make up for it by playing a four-hour, 80 thousand fan, game of Seven Minutes in Heaven with either Rihanna or Chris Hemsworth’s hologram.
In keeping with football tradition, the NFL will hold a shotgun wedding in the middle of the two-minute warning, which is now expanded to two and half hours. The difference in this case is that the marriage will be between the two backup quarterbacks, adding a slight layer of regret in those players whose teams made the big show (or likely joy in all reality). With this announcement, NFL backup quarterback tryouts are up 78 percent amongst congressman who played football in junior college.
The most exciting announcement is that the halftime show has been expanded to a 32-hour summer-type music festival where patrons can set up their tent and enjoy the sounds (ie. get high). There will be three stages with performances expected from Cher in her almost-final-15-year-farewell tour, One Dimension, John Madden’s quartet, the cop that sings Taylor Swift and the winner of Canadian Idol.
The NFL announced the $16 Billion expected to be raised from this event will be used to set up a think tank on how the NFL can make the sport a little more brutal while keeping it’s players from head injuries and disease in the long term. The initial thought is to have the game played on ice and each player must wear inflatable mascot suits. Roger Goodell will head up this new organization and pulls an initial signing bonus of $14 billion.
The NFL is working on setting up a website for those interesting in purchasing tickets to the “Biggest Event since the 2015 Super Bowl,” as it is being tagged. NBC, who will air the game, has also announced a spin off channel and coverage of the event that starts on May 17th. Many more details will be revealed as we get closer to the big show, such as which player will be criminally prosecuted next and which teams will be playing.
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