Life is full of mysteries.
Who built Stone Henge? Are volcanoes sentient? Has anyone seen my house keys? Seriously, has anyone seen my dam keys?
There are plenty of “How To” guides scattered around the wasteland of the internet, informing us how to do everything. Want to know how to effectively fight a bear? We’ve got a guide for that. Need to be able to dance a Satanic Charleston? There’s a website that specialises in unholy dance routines. How about a guide to noticing if someone is flirting with you? Well here it is!
For this article I did a tremendous amount of research attending several hundred drinking establishments and “observing” behaviours. I also copied and pasted a number of other articles into mine but the editor said this was “unethical theft of intellectual property.” As a result, I’m writing this from a bar I’ve been sleeping in for three days.
Every half-arsed comedian will tell you “men are terrible at multi-tasking.” That’s why when we’re standing there (shirt open, exposing just the right amount of chest hair) in a bar and a lady begins to flirt with us we struggle to notice.
So guys here are five signs that she’s flirting with you.
1. According to scientists (that’s those serious sounding dudes sporting beards), a female’s pupils will “dilate” if she is interested in the male talking to her. So when you see someone in a club, library or clandestine meeting at a waste disposal plant, approach them and make steely eye contact. Not just any old eye contact. Stare so hard into her eye’s so it’s possible for her to see flashes of the future in the strength of your gaze. Then, as she talks, watch her pupils. Are they dilating? Yes? Well then she probably thinks you’re awesome! Or, she’s on drugs. But, hey, she still might think your awesome if she’s on drugs!
Verdict: Flirting or high as a kite
2. Many self-styled “pick up artists” have declared in numerous publications that women love a guy who can make them laugh. Try to remember, though, the lady who laughs as you fall from your bar stool after your nineteenth gin, probably isn’t the type of girl you want to meet your parents…unless your parents are somewhat like mine. However, according to one study, there is a possibility that a woman who laughs at your bad jokes is totally flirting with you — and not as previously thought, high on nitrous oxide. So, if your happily chatting about the state of the countries environmental policy, try and throw a bad joke in there to see if she’s into you. Example:
You: So you’re into Green Peace then?
Lady: Yes, I love the work they do.
You: Well why don’t you green a piece of this!
Turn round and display your bum. Like a baboon.
Lady: That doesn’t even make any sense.
You: Why aren’t you laughing?
If she pulls out the biggest fake horsey laugh in existence then you’re in!
Verdict: Laughing= Flirting, not Laughing= Possibly calling the police.
3. Women are extremely possessive creatures, which is why they get a single cubicle in a public toilet, while we all share a giant trough. So, obviously, they will carry this possessiveness from the toilet and into the realm of flirting (I think I just gave new meaning to talking dirty — if you’re a female and just laughed at that give me a call). As stated, we often don’t know when a female is flirting with us. Hell, I often don’t even know most of the time if someone is directing a question at me. So, because we don’t know of any potential interest, we may make a massive mistake and make bodily contact with another female. An expert in female body language (a ranting hobo at the bus stop) told me: “If a woman who has been covertly flirting with you sees you touch another one. Then she will automatically assume you’re off limits.” So, in recap, if you think there’s the smallest possibility that the waitress who just served you is interested, stop all human contact. This even includes shaking hands with your elderly mother, just in case your prospective girlfriend decides to drop kick her through a window to show she cares. This, incidentally, is how my mum met my dad.
Verdict: Never touch any female who you are not trying to build a relationship with, or you may miss the one who is flirting with you.
4. However, if she “bumps” into you it is a definite sign of flirting! Or, she’s inviting to start an impromptu game of amateur rugby! But, remember what happened last time you misread this situation? Your still paying for that ladies rehab.
Verdict: Has she just bumped into you in a crowded hallway? She’s flirting definitely. Or, she’s lifted you wallet out your jeans.
5. One lengthy article that I found mentioned women sometimes “play dumb to get guys to take notice”. If this is true, this is some really deep undercover flirting. So deep. So very deep…..sorry, what was I saying?
If this article is to be believed then some woman, somewhere has actively downgraded her intelligence to that of a dead badger to entice me. And this is something that could be happening to you every day. Hell, it could be happening right now — at college, at work; hell, even in the meeting your currently attending. That’s it, as Mel from accounts stumbles a bit on her pronunciation of the word “Hegemony” just stand right up and take over the presentation. It doesn’t matter that you know sod about the inner accounts of the company. Just take over. Saving the “damsel in distress;” women totally love that shit.
Verdict: See a lady struggling with something then she is flirting. Not just with you but with everyone else. Get in there first.
And there you have it, an idiot’s guide to picking up the signs of flirting. If you follow this advice to the letter, you’ll probably find yourself on a register before the end of the week.
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