Coca-Cola Decides To Drop The Cola

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With public opinion of soda on the decline, Coca-Cola has had a lot of PR issues: being blamed for making children obese; large sodas being banned in NYC — the Sodom and Gomorrah of soda!

The company has had enough of holding off angry groups of mothers protesting their product. Coca-Cola is calling it quits.

Coca-Cola has a rich history, a company previously adored by America and deeply criticized during their last attempt to change their product, “New Coke.” Urban legend reveals that Coca-Cola started with traces of cocaine in their beverages sold as medicine. Well, Coca-Cola decided to return to the good old days. With this recent decision, Coke is going further back than New Coke all the way to straight cocaine.

Coca-Cola factories are being shut down, laying off 25,000 workers. The pumps and syrup machines are being destroyed like an old-timey image from the prohibition era. They’ve dumped the remaining product, changed the logo and destroyed all copies of the secret recipe in preparation to focus on that pure white powder.

“It only makes sense,” said a Coke executive. “Soda is crucified these days, but cocaine is always the sh*t!”

Marketing gurus expressed a strong positive opinion of the change, saying: “It’s perfect since they are the ultimate recognition of the word “Coke.”

Their new product requires little change to their marketing which already includes young upbeat, energetic attractive people partying. Their ads are void of middle aged people since heavy consumption of either product leads to an early death. Except Santa Clause which we all know is the ultimate example of a recluse drug addict lunging around and requiring extreme energy only once and a while.

The company plans to fast track the switch, having end caps stacked with that pure white snow by summer.

“Ain’t no party like a summer Coke party!” said a huge fan of both Coca-Cola and cocaine.

The mothers, who originally protested the brand’s cola, changed their signs and protested the new decision as well. However, quick to retaliate, Coca-Cola offered them all a free taste of their new product, quickly changing the mom’s opinion.


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