In a recent podcast, Euro-Tour golf superstar Peter Lawrie made a startling admission that is sure to send shockwaves throughout the Euro-golf universe – he is addicted to…soda. In the past couple years, Lawrie’s rank has dropped from a sizzling 161th to an embarrassing 900th, and he says his addiction to the so-called “soft drink” is to blame.
“It started out as a just a Fresca here and there on weekends,” says Lawrie. “But before I knew it, I was waking up in a sand trap in a pool of my own Dew.”
Though many refuse to admit it, soda addiction has become a very real problem in golf. Euro-Tour enthusiasts have long suspected Lawrie’s golf game was starting to look a little “carbonated” but few actually knew of his deep dark bubbly secret.
“Mr. Lawrie comes in here all the time,” says a Euro-grocery store bagger. “One time he brought in one of those beach chairs and just sat in the soda aisle all day. Didn’t even bring a book or anything. It was weird, man.”
Further opening up about his addiction, Lawrie stated, “I do whatever I can get my hands on — Sunkist, RC Cola, Sierra Mist, even Shasta if I’m in a pinch. I realized it was becoming a problem when I ran over my caddy with a golf cart ‘cause he tried to hand me a 9-iron instead of a 2-liter of Cactus Cooler.”
Lawrie’s bravery has inspired other golfers to come to forward about their experiences with the devil’s nectar. Vijay Singh revealed that he used to chug a Mr. Pibb in between holes.
Even Tiger Woods has spoken up, stating, “I gave all my girlfriends cute soda nicknames like Squirt, Livewire, Fanta, Big Red… referred to them all as my 12-pack. Honestly, best time of my life. You never let me have any fun, Tag Heuer!”
Family and friends have reached out to Lawrie in an effort to help, including golf legend Arnold Palmer, who introduced him to a healthier alternative to soda – the half ice tea, half lemonade.
“Yeah, I tried the Arnold Palmer,” said Lawrie. “It’s like a sucky lemonade.”
Not everyone believes that Lawrie’s soda addiction is to blame for his descent from Euro-golf mega-stardom.
“There is no proof that soda usage is linked to negative golf effects,” says Dr. Harold Pepper of the University of Canada (Dry). “In fact, it’s good for you! Drink as much as you can!”
In response to Lawrie’s earth-shattering revelation, the Euro-Tour has called for testing golfers for soda usage and “Medieval-like punishment” for those who test positive. It remains to be seen if Lawrie can escape soda’s liquid death grip and climb his way back to Euro-Tour mega-stardom, but one thing is certain: this news will shake the foundations of Euro-Tour golf for years to come.
© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.