Business 101 – Bathroom Etiquette

0

No matter how designer your suit, how clean-shaven your face or how nice your cologne smells, if you have spent any time in the sit-down shelters, it is a MUST that you wash your hands.

Even if your time spent is playing with your Blackberry, the assumption by any patron of the bathroom arts is that you’ve backed the car (or cars) out of the garage. And, unless you posses the power of levitation, you have to touch that door latch to escape your pod. And, only God and the Devil knows who touched that latch with their power hand.

This applies especially to those who have a position of authority. Studies have found an inverse correlation between the amount of authority one has to the amount of hand washes they perform. In laymen’s terms, the higher one ascends the corporate ladder, the less they seem to notice sinks, soaps, and other handwashing materials. There is no empirical evidence that swiping your hands through your hair while gazing at your reflection in the mirror, known as “The Fonzi Effect,” properly cleans your executive mitts or offers any legitimate protection from germs at all.

Handwashing is a simple task that can be explained in these six easy steps:

STEP 1:
Run hands under touchless faucet.

STEP 2:
Place hands under touchless soap dispenser

STEP 3:
Sing “The Alphabet Song” in its entirety. Some of you may want to stop at the letter “B.” This is not allowed under any circumstances. Even if you’re late to a meeting, reaching the end of the alphabet could be the difference between giving a clean handshake or giving Ebola to the third power.

STEP 4:
Shake excess water into the sink. This is also touchless.

STEP 5:
Place hands under touchless paper towel dispenser and retrieve paper towel. You can repeat this step until hands are completely dry. No one will believe that “it’s just water” after you’ve exited the bathroom.

STEP 6:
Use paper towel, foot kick or shoulder shove to open bathroom door to exit. If you use your full hand on the bathroom door, you must repeat STEPs 1  through 6. If the door opens inward, you may use the pinky grab to open the door. However, you run the risk of having a broken digit if there is an aggressive door opener. Use this technique sparingly and with caution.


© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.

Comments are closed.