Dating Advice w/Heather: 50 Shades Edition

0

Heather is a single female comic in her late 30’s who has been on 22 dates in the past eight months and still lives alone with her cat.

Heather Kozlakowski

Heather

Letting her give dating advice is absurd.

Dear Heather,

My boyfriend enjoys spitting on me in bed, at first it was fun, kind of a dominance-50 Shades scenario; now, I’m over it. How do I get him to stop?

Sincerely,
He’s a Spitter

Dear He’s a Spitter,

This is a classic case of “Spit or Swallow” and it sounds like you want your man to swallow. Tell him all the other guys are doing it, or that if he really loved you he would swallow, or that swallowing is good for his complexion.

Dear Heather,

I am a woman in my late 30’s, like yourself, I do not have kids; but I want to have them, and I mean HAVE; squeeze one out of my own body. The men I date openly tell me I’m too old. How do I handle this without ruining the date?

Signed,
Old Eggs

Dear Old Eggs,

These guys seem to think that the “Sell By Date” on the carton means that the eggs are no good; any cook worth his salt knows the eggs are good for baking well beyond that date.
My advice is, RUIN THE DATE!
Why do you want a second date with a narrow minded dream killer anyway?

Dear Heather,

How do you navigate the games involved in dating? When do I call? When do I text back? How soon is too soon? How much is too much? What does it all mean? How do I play?

Yours Truly,
Would You Like to Play A Game?

Dear Would You Like to Play A Game?,
You’ve asked me Seven questions too many. The answer is NO.


Got a question for Heather? Tweet her at @Hkozlakowski

Check out all of Heather’s Dating Advice Columns


© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.

Comments are closed.